Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
