my phone needs a breathalizer
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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