God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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