Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
