you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
