Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
