i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
