i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
