the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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