Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
