Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
