If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize