I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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