I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
