areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize