he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
