Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
