you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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