Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's shark week go big or go home
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize