Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
