I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
