I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
