he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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