It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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