you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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