She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
