please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
