Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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