why didn't you poke me back
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
