At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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