haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
