Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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