things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
