11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
