I wish I could teleport
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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