I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
