I cut my penus on the lid.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
