Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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