captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
