ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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