I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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