I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
