So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Shame is for Republicans.
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