Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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