Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
