I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
