there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
