Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
please come you make the beer taste better
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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