did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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