giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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