My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
