How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize