stop calling my apartment porn island.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
