Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
