god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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