There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
They took my balls.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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